Friday, March 17, 2006

I am not a priority.

Saturday, March 11, 2006


Sorry I haven't been around this week. It's been a hard and stressful one, and I'd like to fill you in on what has happened, but I just don't have the strength or the will to even try. I am completely exhausted...


A while ago, Kel posted a song that's lyrics were meaningful to her. At the time, I couldn't think of any that really moved me. Well, I just had one of the hardest weeks since I've been here in Dallas and as I have sat here listening to U2, the lyrics to "I Still Haven't Found..." struck me. Here they are:

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I’m still running
You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for...

Thursday, March 02, 2006

why me?

*warning: do not read this if you are currently, or have just finished, eating!*

Today I took the day off so that I could go to a 2 day mini-conference at the seminary I want to attend. It's an opportunity for prospective students to check out the school and see if it is where God is leading them. I was so excited to go and have the chance to have my vision renewed for what I want to do with my life.
The day was going great. I got to attend a counseling class and even ran into someone I joined staff with back in 2001 (small world!). Chapel was amazing and I felt reassured that this is where God wants me in the future. It was lunch time so I headed to the room where all those interested in Biblical Counseling would be eating. There were several professors from the department and a time of question/answers. The food was served, chicken with cream sauce and delicious steamed vegetables.
I don't know if you know this about me, but sometimes I have problems eating. The food gets caught in my esophagus and I end up throwing up. Don't worry, I talked to the doctor years ago about this and he said that since it doesn't happen that often (the last time was several months ago), I shouldn't worry about it. I can always tell when it's about to happen because I get this terrible burning sensation in my chest and I can feel the saliva just collecting in my esophagus. As one of the professors was talking about the program, I got up to go to the bathroom. Most of the time when I get this sensation, I just have to wait it out and it eventually goes away when the food finally goes down into my stomach. This time it did not.
I was in the bathroom for about 20 minutes, going between gagging and throwing up a little. Finally I decided I just needed to go home because the feeling would not go away. I went back to the room, grabbed my stuff, and walked out to my car, completely frustrated that I had to leave early when there was still so much left to do. As I got to my car, an unexpected gag came on me and I dry heaved by my car. "I have got to get home!" I thought and quickly got in the car. As I closed the door, another gag came on except this time, it was not a dry heave. I threw up on the floor of my car. I left the seminary and as I'm getting ready to get onto the interstate, I grabbed the trash bag I keep and threw up again, while I was driving! I'm glad it wasn't rush hour! I set the bag aside and then threw up again, but this time all over me! I don't want you to think that each time I was barfing it was a huge amount; it wasn't, and it was mainly clear, thank goodness! But after I threw up all over myself, I was super annoyed! My thinking had been if I felt better as I drove home, I would turn around and go back. But this could not be the case now.
I finally started feeling better as I pulled into the parking lot of my apartmenbt complex. Figures...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


And I don't mean it in the way my students do when they say, "that song is tight!"

I use this to describe my neck and shoulders right now. I am so stressed out that my body feels like it can't bend anymore! Plus, I have a monstrous headache and feel nauseated. Stress can do so many crazy things to your body.

You may be wondering why I'm stressed. There are many reasons, but I'll give you the top 5:
1. My portfolio for my certification program is due next week. I've barely started on it.
2. I hate my job.
3. I am broke.
4. I feel like I have no purpose in life but to be abused by punk teenagers.
5. I can't lose any weight because I am too exhausted all the time to actually be able to exercise.

There are countless more, but those are probably the biggest ones. I think I may have my own happy hour. Oh, wait, I can't afford it because I'm broke. I'll just go take some generic ibuprophen since that's all I can afford...