my heart cries out...

Sometimes my heart just hurts. There are days when the emptiness almost consumes me. I'm not sure how hollowness can cause so much pain. As I think and reflect on it, the conclusion that comes to mind is that I long for heaven. I yearn for it, ache for it, desire to be in the presence of my Lord. This world is not my home. It has left me battered and bruised, grappling for control and sinking further and further into a pit of dispair. But heaven awaits me and I wait in anticipation of that glorious day when I will see my Savior face to face.

I work with a recovery program at church that is based on the 12 steps of AA. It is an amazing ministry and I am priviledged beyond words to walk beside the women in my small group as they see victory over their hurts, habits, and hang-ups. Every week we say the Serenity Prayer. Lately, the words have a deeper meaning as I wrestle with my own issues and fears. It's a beautifully simple yet powerful prayer:

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to Your will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with You

forever in the next.

Amen.

'cause nobody wants to be the last one there...

I am so tired of being the last one chosen for kickball.

it's a typical situation...

Okay, I'm declaring war! I'm sick and tired of always being tired and feeling blah. The blah is more to do with a physical blah. My poor body desperately wants to work out but I am usually so dang tired that it's all I can do to drive myself home after opening shift.

I just went to the grocery store and spent a lot of money on some healthier options. If I have fruit and veggies in the fridge to snack on, I won't eat cereal or something fattening as often. It really needs to be a conscious effort. Most of the time I am so tired that I can't even make it to the grocery store; tonight, though, I knew it was a dire situation and that if I didn't go, I'd be eating some sort of Mother Hubbard style breakfast tomorrow.

When the semester ended, I was so looking forward to having more free time so that I could focus on getting myself back in shape and eating better. Instead, summer classes have proven to be bigger bears than I thought and I'm just as swamped as I was during the semester. I need a vacation!

Next summer I'm not sure I'll do the class thing. I really want to go overseas again. I miss speaking Spanish so I want to go to a Latin American country. I'll have to look into missions trips but the problem isn't finding one because there are tons to choose from. I'm getting way ahead of myself, though...still have a loooong time before next summer!

what's good enough for you is good enough for me...

“The great enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but the good which is not good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best.”--Oswald Chambers

I so often settle for “good” when God wants the best for my life. I make the choices of where I will go, what I will do, etc, instead of allowing Him to make the choices for me. What I choose isn’t ultimately bad, but it isn’t the best which leaves me not quite satisfied. I long to get to that point where my faith rules my heart and mind and I turn to God for every decision.

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me...

I think one of the saddest things for me to witness is someone living a life in which no one truly knows them.

it's bad when you annoy yourself...

I don't want to be overly negative here, but here are some things that have really annoyed me lately!

*People who are fake! Why can't people just be real? You know, authentic, honest, open? It drives me crazy how people will say something to a bunch of people and you know they are lying through their teeth because they told you a completely different, real, version of what is going on. If people would just be authentic, we wouldn't have nearly as many problems in the world. Instead, others want to present a false self. Why?!

*Drivers in Dallas. I hate driving here. If someone else offers, I always take them up on it! People don't use their signals here because if you do, the person in the next lane will actually speed up so you can't get over. What the heck?! Common courtesy does not exist in Dallas traffic.

*People who don't respond when you say "hello" or "good morning". On the courtesy note, I say hello and good morning a lot in my job. Not only is it part of my job, I enjoy brigthening someone's day by giving them a warm greeting. What do I get in return about half the time? "Triple tall vanilla non-fat latte." Um, okay. Would you like a side of politeness to go with that? Why is it so hard for people to say hello back? Instead, I get an order barked at me as if I'm a slave. Maybe I should blame this one on the fact that people come in before they've had their fix?

*Puppy's incessant barking. A neighbor in my apartment complex has just gotten a very cute puppy. Don't get me wrong, the thing is precious. But what do puppies do? They whine and cry and bark all night! Okay, this wouldn't be bad except that they leave the poor thing on the balcony so that the rest of us are tortured by it. If you can't handle a puppy's crying, don't get a puppy!

*Men who are not gentlemen. I'm not asking for much here, but it would be nice to have the door held open for me. Especially if I have my hands full and it's obviously going to be a struggle to get it open myself. Yesterday I walked toward a restaurant door and a guy was a few steps ahead of me. Not only did he not open the door for me, he didn't even do the walk through and hold it open behind him thing. I guess he just couldn't stand the thought of even a millisecond separating him from his fried rice! Heaven forbid he actually allow a woman to get in line ahead of him!

Okay, that's enough for now...

dreamscapes

I'd just like to know, will my dreams ever come true?

i still haven't found what i'm looking for...

I am currently going through a crisis of faith. It's not one of those full-blown "ready to throw in the towel on Christianity" kinds of crises but more of a "what the heck am I supposed to do with my life?!" variety. I have always struggled with figuring out what my passions are, where I am most gifted and how those talents can be used to glorify God. Most of the time I feel uninspired, blah, without purpose. My life isn't a bad one; God has always provided above and beyond for my needs. I have loving friends, a wonderful living situation, an adorable (although non-cuddly) cat, 2 fun jobs--the list goes on and on. Plus, I am finally going to grad school, something I have been dreaming about for years. Yet, even in the midst of all this, I still feel uncertain. Now that I am taking classes to pursue a Masters in counseling, I find myself doubting. Is this really the right path? Is this where my gifts will best be utilized for God's glory?

So many of my friends, most of them younger, seem to have it figured out on this front; they know who they are and what they want to do. I flounder daily from one thought to the next. Today I want to be a counselor but tomorrow I will want to serve overseas as a missionary again while next week I will want to work with youth in a church setting. And all the while, none of it gets my heart pumping with excitement. They are all good options and I'm sure that I could do a good job at them because I am hard working and determined. But I want something that makes me jump out of bed in the morning and exclaim, "I can't believe I actually get paid to do this for a living!!!" I have met people who have this experience but is it realistic for the majority of us?

I certainly don't want to be defined by what I do because I know that my identity is secure as a child of God, yet I long to be excited about what I'm doing with my life. Am I being too self-focused? Do I fail to see the big picture? What am I missing? I feel like I can't see the big neon sign right in front of my face, kind of like the time I was talking to a friend on my cell phone while getting ready to go somewhere and I said, "Where the heck is my phone!" She graciously (and without too much laugther) reminded me that I was on it.

save the cheerleader, save the world...

This is reading week, a time to get caught up on all the reading we are to have done by the end of the semester. Have I even cracked open a book??? NO! Instead, I've been doing everything imaginable to distract myself, like watching movies and Heroes Season 1, reading Harry Potter, cleaning--you name it! The sad thing is that some of the books I need to read are actually pretty interesting. I think I'm just so exhausted from school that I don't want to do anything that uses brain power beyond trying to figure out who Sylar will go after next and if Bennet is a bad guy or not.

Speaking of Heroes, I loved the first season! Can't wait to watch the second! I was kind of disappointed with the season finale, pretty lame. Not that I wanted New York to explode but I thought they could have found a better ending than the one they came up with. Why couldn't Peter just fly himself into outer space? Hiro is my absolute fave; my roommate and I were discussing this and we think it's because he possesses such a child-like innocence and fascination with the world. I wish I could be more like that. I also like Peter Petrelli, mostly because his full name is fun to say. And what's up with Sylar?! Holy cow, is that guy super creepy!!! His eyebrows alone are enough to scare me! Please don't post any spoilers for season 2 or 3; I want to find out everything on my own:)

quote of the semester

"We were deceived by the wisdom of the serpent; we are set free by the folly of God." --Saint Augustine, De Doctrina Christiana

people are strange

Here's my list of 7 ways that I'm weird:
1) I can not stand feet on the dashboard! If you ride in my car and decide to do this, I will politely yet forcefully ask you to stop. Even worse is when people put their feet out the window--Gross!!!

2) I can be somewhat obsessive about grammar. I know that I don't always use the best grammar but when people make mistakes that are very basic rules of language usage, I mentally go crazy (for example, when people ask, "Where you at?"). And it's even worse when I see it on billboards or in commercials! I saw a billboard on 75 (a major highway in DFW) that said, "Think global, buy local". Ugh!!!

3) When I eat a Reeses peanut butter cup, I have to eat all the chocolate first, then the peanut butter. I do this with most chocolate candy.

4) I can be pretty indecisive when it comes to food. I can go to McDonald's where the menu hasn't changed in 50 years and still not be able to decide what I want. The kicker? I end up getting the same thing almost every time!

5) When I sit on a couch with my legs under me, I play with my toes. I'm totally not conscious I'm doing it! Other people have told me I do this.

6) I don't crave salty things very often but whenever I have fries, I like to have something sweet with them. I don't necessarily eat them at the same time (like dipping them in ice cream) but I like having the salty/sweet combo, even if it's just a Coke.

7) I can not sleep unless I have a fan on in the room. If I'm in a hotel or staying at someone else's place, it takes a long time for me to fall asleep and then I will usually wake up several times because I'm such a light sleeper and every noise wakes me.

Okay, so some of those are that strange but I feel like I'm pretty normal and plain. If any of you can think of other ways I'm weird, please enlighthen me!

It's Raining Men!

Married ones, that is.

When I started seminary I knew that it was going to be majority men. And I knew that most of them would be married. What kills me is the way they act towards single women. It's like we have the plague or something, like we are some temptress waiting to devour them.

In my classes I have been trying to strike up conversations with people who sit near me just to be friendly. When it's a married man, they instantly stiffen and look very uncomfortable. They speak quickly and divert their eyes downward, like they can't wait for the conversation to be over. Those of you that know me well know that I am learning disabled when it comes to flirting, so it's not like my attempts could be misinterpreted as anything other than a friendly gesture. I just don't get it.

I spoke with a single guy from church who is also taking classes at the seminary and he said he gets the same reaction from married women. What the heck!

It's a good thing I have so much studying to do so that I don't have time to worry about it...

Sunday, Sunday

Here's the 411 on me at the moment:

*I started seminary 2 weeks ago which means that I have no free time. I study ALL the time! But it's so worth it! My classes are amazing and I know the Lord is going to teach me a ton this semester and over the next 3 years. I'm meeting cool people and having a great time. One of the best things is that I have a class with my mentor from church; she is one of my fave people in the world and I love being around her so much. We make each other laugh one minute then discuss deep issues like women's role in ministry or having a repentant and humble heart when surrounded by proud and condescending people. Also, I have Bible Study Methods with Dr. Howard Hendricks! The man literally wrote the book on how to study the Bible! He's in his 80's but still kickin'! I love him and love learning from him! What a neat blessing to be able to take his class.

*I also started a new job a couple of weeks ago at Starbucks. It's been really fun so far:) I've definitely got a ways to go to become as proficient as my co-workers but I'm getting the hang of it. I like the customer interactions and my co-workers are awesome. I'm not making much but I qualify for benefits soon and I love the free coffee!

*I moved into a new apartment and have a roommate for the first time in 3 years. The new place is actually in the same complex as before, just a couple of buildings down. My roommate is awesome! I love her! We met at church last year and when she emailed me to ask if I knew of anyone who needed a roommate I quickly replied that I did! We are similar in a lot of ways and have had a great time so far. Plus, she loves Simba so she's A-OK in my book:)

That's about it. My life consists of work and study, study and work. I haven't done anything fun in a while but that's okay because I'm broke! I have a rainy day fund that I'm putting a little into each week so I can save up to do something fun over a break.

everything's going my way!

Just 2 days ago I didn't have a roommate for the coming year or a place to live. All that has changed! Yesterday a friend emailed asking if I knew of anyone needing a roommate. I quickly replied, "ME!" She is a sweetheart and I'm excited to be living with her. Then, I got on the DTS student website to look at houses for rent to see if there were any cool sounding ones. The very top one is a 2 bedroom/2 bath duplex in a very cool area of Dallas for a great price. I called the landlord and he gave me the number of the current tennant. I called her today to get the scoop and she said it's an amazing place, that the landlord is awesome and you couldn't ask for a better deal, especially in that area. So, my new roomie and I are going to check it out on Saturday but I'm pretty excited about it and hope she likes it. It's only 2 miles from campus which rocks!

I'm continually amazed at my lack of faith. I was starting to worry if God was going to provide and He ends up blowing me away, yet again, with an awesome opportunity. Will I ever learn???

larger than life

This is my friend Milan's dog Samson. He is the biggest golden retriever I have ever seen! This picture does not show you the massivness of this dog! And the funny thing is that he thinks he's a lap dog, all 200 pounds of him! I'm not sure he weighs that much, but he's huge! He's a really sweet dog but because of his size, he can squash you like a little bug.

We were trying to get a good picture of me with him but he wouldn't sit still! Here he's trying to attack me with kisses. Bleck!

bad to the bone

Meet Snickers. This is the procoscious dog I'm sitting for this week. The family warned me about him but I thought, "How bad can this little dog be?" At first he seems friendly and lovable. But then you let him out of the house and he turns into a wild animal running free. The first time I let him out, he ran around the back yard for a few minutes. I thought to myself, "He's not that bad..." but then he went to the fence and jumped through the bars and starting running around the wooded area behind the family's house. He heard another dog and ran in that general direction. I called his name several times and he didn't come back. Finally, I decided to go in and figured he would come back when he got thirsty because it's so hot outside; and he did, but when I opened the door, he ran away again, thinking it was a game. Frustrating!

Yesterday I let him out and tried to keep an eye on him from the window. He heard something in the front of the house and ran for it. I walked to the front of the house and saw him chasing a van down the middle of the street, barking like crazy. I grabbed the leash and walked outside, muttering under my breath. I saw him near some trees a few houses down and he started walking towards me. Just as I was about to grab him, he ran toward a house where the kids were playing outside. I yelled, "Grab him, please!" and one of the girls picked him up. I apologized but they said it was okay because they knew him. I told them I was housesitting and haven't figured out how to keep him from running away.

I'm thinking about nominating him for "The Dog Whisperer"...

sweet dreams are made of this

I love my dreams! They are usually so crazy yet so vivid that I remember them clearly the next day, so vivid that sometimes I have to ask myself if it actually happened!. My most recent dream is no exception.

I go to a loading dock, the kind you would see when docking a cruise ship. There are a lot of people gathered with trunks and suitcases. I find the leader to let her know that I am there and she checks my name off. I look around and see a guy standing alone with his things. I decide to go and talk to him. I introduce myself and he says, "I'm Orlando." Yes, folks, it is none other than Orlando Bloom, except that his hair is chopped very short and he is wearing glasses. I ask if he had been to Spain before and he says no. I guess I was going to Spain for another semester abroad...

Jump to next scene: I am a character from 90210 except it is real life. I think I may have been Andrea but I'm not sure because I looked like myself. I am an undercover CIA agent trying to nab some big time mobster. Another agent and I are faking that we are in a relationship and about to get married. I had to break up with my real boyfriend, who is having a really hard time accepting it, so that the agent and I can pretend we're together. At one point I'm talking to Kelly and she can't believe that I broke up with my real boyfriend but I can't tell anyone the real reason. I even try consoling my boyfriend but he's upset and can't understand why I would just up and leave him for some guy I don't even know. We fake the whole wedding, even the reception where I'm wearing this beautiful strapless white dress with a black polka dot sash around the waist. After the wedding, we leave for our "honeymoon" which is really some sort of stakeout I think and it's then that I realize that I really do love the other agent and do want to be with him. The next day I'm in the grocery store with my sister buying fruit and I see a student from Venezuela that I used to work with. He looks so different, a lot older but still the same. We say hello and I tell him I just got married and he's shocked. Later, I am walking on the sidewalk and I see my best friend (who is not from the show, some random girl...) and I run up to her to tell her that the agent and I are really getting married because we are in love. I guess she knew about the whole sham.

Wow, what a crazy dream! I wonder what Dr. Freud would have to say about it...

photograph

I have not seen many of you recently so here's a shot in case you've forgotten what I look like! Actually, this was taken several months ago, maybe in January. My hair is still long but looks way better than this and I have long bangs. I will upload more recent pics soon so you can see how I look now.

joy, joy, joy!

I created a "Joy Jar" about a year ago. It's just a clear mason jar with little strips of paper that I've written things down upon to remember events or things that have brought me joy. I started it when I really needed a reminder of God's goodness and all that He provides and gives out of His abundant grace and mercy. Today, I decided that I'm going to pull out 5, at random, and write about them here. So, here goes:

1) "Receiving fun, encouraging, thoughtful and sweet text msgs"--I think I wrote this one on New Year's Day after getting some great text messages from friends who said they were thankful that they got to know me better over the year. I, too, am so thankful for them!

2) "Learning about quinceaneras"--During Hispanice Awareness Month (October), I went to hear the author Julia Alvarez speak about her latest book which talks about the quinceanera tradition in this country. For those of you that may not know what this is, it's kind of like the sweet 16 birthday but in Latin America they celebrate it on the 15th birthday. It's a HUGE deal in Latino culture and the families spend pretty much the same amount on this party as they would for a wedding. It was so cool to hear this Latina author speak and learn more about the tradition.

3) "Going to the Kimball Art Museum"--This was a fabulous day! There was an exhibit of portraits by various artists and I got to see the works of people like Picasso and Frida Khalo. Also, it was a gorgeous day and I went outside to this park beside the museum and sat and prayed and reflected for a while.

4) "Going to the library to check out books and dvds"--Okay, so I'm a huge nerd! But I love the library! It is only a mile away from my apartment and I go there about once a week. They have a pretty good dvd collection and I can usually find something I haven't seen before. And since I don't have cable, it helps keep me entertained.

5) And lastly..."Hearing Ann Patchett"--Again, another author. I took a creative writing class last fall and for one of the class meetings, we went to hear her speak about her latest book. She was so well spoken and witty, I loved it!

I picked these out at random but they bring back good memories. I think I will do this about once a week to remind myself of how rich and full my life really is:)

school's out for summer!

School ended a week and a half ago. What have I been doing? Here are some highlights:

*On the day after school got out, a friend and I went to this amazing restaurant called Cafe Izmir. It is now my favorite! The wait staff was amazing and the food was divine! It's a Middle Eastern tapas place. We had a tasty pitcher of sangria which we weren't sure we would be able to finish and I was treated to delicious cake and a bottle of wine, compliments of the house for my b-day!

*I celebrated my birthday with some friends. We went to a yummy Venezuelan restaurant and then to a Cuban music concert in a sculpture garden in downtown Dallas. The food was delicious, the music was very good, and I had a wonderful evening in spite of sweating profusely (I felt like I was back in Maracaibo...).

*I'm trying to get back into my gym routine. I'm still going but haven't been doing much strength training. Plus, my eating habits have been deplorable over the last several weeks so I need to start making wiser choices in that department.

*My cat Ginger is sick. She has lot about 5 pounds of the last couple of months and has been throwing up a lot more frequently (she has hairballs about once a month but she started throwing up about once a day, gross!). I took her to the vet on Monday worried that it was diabetes. They ran several tests and found that she has hyperthyroidism. Out of all the common illnesses older cats can have, this is the most managable. She will just need a pill every day for the rest of her life but no shots which is good. She hid under my bed for about a day and a half after coming back from the vet, pouting. She also does NOT like getting her medicine; I have to wrap her up in a towel like a kitty burrito so she doesn't claw me to death. Once I hold her mouth open, shove the meds in, close her mouth and hold it shut until she swalls, I let her go and she promptly runs and hids under some furniture. But I redeem myself by giving her a couple of treats each time so I think she's learning to accept it.

*I've been reading, one of my favorite pastimes. My current books are Little Women, The Book Thief, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, and someone let me borrow Twilight. I've never read Little Women before and I'm loving it! Such a sweet story. The Book Thief is very good, set in Germany during World War II.

*I'm trying to get more prepared for seminary. I'm supposed to read about 20 different books before I start taking classes but I doubt that will happen. Plus, some of the books are for classes I'm not taking until spring semester or next year. I'm going to focus on one book, Living By the Book by Howard and William Hendricks. I'm trying to figure out financial aid stuff and looking for a roommate. Lots of unknowns right now but I know it will all come together.

I start work in another week so I'm trying to enjoy these last moments of true freedom. I'm going to be a companion for a 10, 12, 14 and 16 year old; basically, I'm carting them around to various activities, making sure they don't burn down the house, stuff like that. The kids are great and I'm looking forward to working with them.

Some things I'm looking forward to for the summer:

*I'm dog and house sitting for a family this coming week and they have a pool in their backyard. Score!

*Hopefully, I'm going to Mexico in August for a wedding. The wedding is in Playa del Carmen, just south of Cancun. Haven't been to Mexico yet, can't wait!

*Reading! I want to do as much of it as I can before classes start because I won't have time to do any fun reading after that. I hope to finish the Harry Potter series and maybe the Twilight one if the first one is any good.